Boundaries & Assertiveness Toolkit

Month 9 toolkit. Paired with Understanding Why Women Athletes Over-Accommodate and Applying Boundaries in LGFA.

Four tools.

Tool 1: The No-Justification “No”

When to use: for requests you can decline without lengthy explanation.

How to do it:

The structure: decline + brief reason + alternative if relevant.

Examples:

“I can’t make Thursday. I’ll be at the regular Tuesday session.”
“I won’t be at the extra training. Resting that night.”
“I can’t take that on right now. Someone else will have to.”
“Not this week.”

What NOT to do:

Over-explain. “I can’t because I have work and my dog is sick and I haven’t slept and…” weakens the no.
Apologise. “I’m so so sorry but I just can’t…” invites pushback.
Add a guilt-justification. “I really wanted to but…” opens negotiation.

Why it works: assertiveness research shows that brief, clear declines hold up better than elaborate ones. The more you explain, the more you invite counter-arguments. Less is more.

Tool 2: The DESC Script (for harder conversations)

When to use: when something needs addressing, not just declined.

How to do it:

Describe the specific behaviour. “When you raised your voice at me in front of the squad…”
Express the impact in plain terms. “…it shut me down for the rest of the session.”
Specify what you’d like different. “I’d appreciate if you pulled me aside privately for feedback.”
Consequence (positive). “That would help me take the feedback in.”

Use this for coach conversations, teammate conversations, family conversations. It’s a framework that keeps you grounded when emotions are high.

Why it works: comes from assertiveness training research. Avoids the two failure modes: silence (the issue grows) and aggression (the relationship gets damaged). DESC structures the conversation so it lands.

Tool 3: The Repeated Boundary

When to use: when someone keeps pushing past a boundary you’ve set.

How to do it:

Use a “broken record” technique. Repeat the same phrase, calmly, each time they push.

Them: “But just this once.” You: “Not this week.”

Them: “Come on, it’s important.” You: “Not this week.”

Them: “Are you sure?” You: “Yeah, not this week.”

You don’t have to argue. You don’t have to defend. You just hold the line.

Why it works: people push past boundaries when they sense the boundary is negotiable. The broken record technique shows the boundary isn’t moving, without escalating into an argument. Usually after 2-3 repeats they accept it.

Tool 4: The Internal Boundary Script

When to use: with yourself. When the voice in your head says you should be doing more.

How to do it:

When the “should do more” voice arrives, use one of these phrases:

“I trained today. That’s enough for today.”
“Recovery is work. I’m doing the work.”
“The voice telling me I should be doing more is the same voice that burned me out before.”
“I don’t have to earn rest.”
“The team needs me recovered, not exhausted.”

Repeat. The voice doesn’t go away. But you stop obeying it.

Why it works: the internal “do more” voice is often shame-driven, not performance-driven. Naming it and refusing to be controlled by it is a learned skill. Like any skill, it builds with practice.

Putting it together

Most boundary failures are about ONE of these things:

You didn’t have language ready (use Tool 1 or 2).
You weren’t sure if you were “allowed” (you are).
The other person pushed back and you caved (Tool 3).
The “should do more” voice ran the show (Tool 4).

Pick one tool. Use it once this week. Notice what happens.

A note on cultural reality

Setting boundaries when you’ve been the one who always says yes will feel WRONG at first. Your body will tell you you’re being selfish. People around you may react.

Sit with the discomfort. It passes. The relationships that survive the boundary are the ones worth keeping. The ones that don’t tell you something important about who was actually being served by your accommodation.

This is hard. It’s also some of the most important work you’ll do as an athlete and a person.

References

Bower, S. A., & Bower, G. H. (2004). Asserting Yourself: A Practical Guide for Positive Change (Updated ed.). Da Capo Press.
Smith, M. J. (1975). When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. Bantam Books.
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227-268.